Getting from point A to point B

How is it June already? While this year hasn't quite gone to plan, the months keep flying by, and here we are with show season in full swing. The barn is busy with plenty of lessons to teach and client horses to ride as I continuing to look for my next event prospect. It's taking a bit longer than I'd hoped, but I want to do things differently this time around, so I'm trying to be patient and remind myself it will all happen in due time. Meanwhile, life goes on and my students, equine and human, are growing by leaps and bounds!

LWSC Jumper Show, June 2019

This past weekend we went to a local jumper show. I competed 2 horses and coached 7 students. I was so proud of my group. They bathed their horses, cleaned their tack, managed to load/unload all of their gear into various trailers, and they all rode well. Everyone remembered their courses (a huge feat in itself), took home ribbons, and most importantly they accomplished their goals. It was a big undertaking to have such a large group, and yet it all went smoothly, reminding me just how amazing this group is. It isn't just the riders, it's the friends/parents/children of the riders who came to cheer them on, the fellow barn mates who brought snacks, the students who trailered horses to and from the show, and the owners who entrusted their steeds to me and/or my students. It's often said it takes a village and this weekend it most certainly did. What a wonderful village we have.

And while the show this weekend was a success, I can't help but feel a bit sad as I see posts from all of my friends who were off eventing this weekend. It was the second event of the season in our area and I feel like I'm missing out. I feel guilty for feeling that way. My students were amazing, and I'm proud of what they're accomplishing, and yet I'm struggling with trying to work out how to get from point A to point B. The majority of my students are adults, with a handful of teens mixed in. They lead busy lives with school or full time jobs, spouses, and kids. They're all ready to compete at the lower levels, but getting away for 4 days to attend an event is tough, so many of them choose to go to schooling shows/derbies to maximize their dollar.

Looking at this weekends results, there's a clear link between trainers that are actively competing and their businesses which are actively growing. Regardless of how good those trainers are as teachers, we are all ultimately attracted to those that are out there doing it. I've had my share of wins but time has gone on, and people seem to forget. They don't pay attention to what you did, only what you're doing now. I know that in for things to progress I need to be pursuing my own competitive goals (which sadly, require a horse to compete). To do that, I need to expand my base of clientele. With no horse to compete, it's hard to attract new clients. In this moment, it feels like I'm swimming upstream.

Point A is where we are today. It's a fun, supportive group of horsemen who truly love their horses and riding and are dedicated to being the best that they can be. Point B is getting that group to grow and build a program that will compete at the recognized events. I'm not sure how to get others to see just how fantastic our little barn family is how to get them to join in this journey. How I bridge the gap from point A to point B remains a work in progress. 

Comfort Zones

Bert & Swag, unicorns in my heart.

Earlier this week I was teaching a dressage lesson. We were talking about the expectations of our horses and in this case, the quality of the gaits and movements. I was telling my student not to necessarily be happy with what her horse was giving her, but to keep the conversation with her horse going and pushing for more. Up the level of expectation.

It is easy to stick to our comfort zones. We often ride around with a trot or canter that's what we might call "good" or "pleasant", but the reality of it is, we are often capable of much more. Pushing ourselves past those comfort zones can vary from day to day, and be different for each horse and rider. For some, it's just getting on, for another it might be schooling a harder movement. If we don't push ourselves out of those zones, we may never know what we can accomplish.

At the beginning of last year I was unhappy with my weight. It has always been a struggle. While I work 10+hr days at the barn and generally watch what I eat, I have the metabolism of a pony. I had my sights set on the CCI* with Swag and decided to really hunker down and give it my all to shed the excess weight. By the time spring rolled around, I had managed to drop down significantly and was feeling thinner than I ever had. When Swag was injured, I no longer had the same motivation, but I refocused my goals and turned my attention towards being stronger and fitter. Keeping the weight off is a daily struggle (my metabolism hates me), but I'm pushed myself out of my comfort zone and have started working with a personal trainer, Doug.

I had a session with the trainer at the gym last week. He had a whole plan written out for me, we went through each exercise, and made a schedule outlining what I'm supposed to work on. A couple days later I looked at the trainers notes and couldn't remember what half of the exercises were. For me, trying to do these new and foreign movements were hard. They were physically challenging and I felt like I wasn't doing them right, which immediately made me want to give up. But instead of caving in, I pulled out my computer and googled them. Youtube is a wonderful thing! There were still a couple of things I was unsure about, so today when I was at the gym I asked Doug to show me again. I told Doug that when I was unsure if I was doing something right I was hesitant to do it. And I realized that's how many of my students feel.

Pushing ourselves out of our comfort zones isn't a bad thing. It's a necessary step in learning. So as I tackle these new workouts, I'm also pushing the boundaries in what I'm trying to achieve as a rider and trainer. I'm working harder than I ever have with big goals in sight. I'm pushing for more and am upping the level of expectation. I'm healthier, fitter, and more determined to make my dreams come true and even though the path to get there may not be completely clear, I won't know what I'm capable of until I try.

Never let it be said that to dream is a waste of one’s time, for dreams are our realities in waiting. In dreams, we plan the seeds of our future. ~ Unknown

Please consider helping me pursue my dreams of purchasing a new competition horse. 
Unicorn Fund

Swallowing pride... and asking for help!

Dear Friends,

As you know, the past year has been tough for me on the horse front. In the spring, Swag had finally made it to the preliminary level and was on track for his first CCI* event when he was injured just before our first cross country run of the year. The injury was career ending and was not anything that could have been predicted or prevented. Swag has always had my heart, he’s just a horse with a big personality. He would be that popular kid at school who’s good looking, without being obnoxious. He’d be on the football team, or maybe water polo, class president, homecoming king, while still being everyone's best friend. So while I miss him, I am happy to report that my handsome boy has been sending me updates and is very much loved and is doing well, which is all I ever could have hoped for.

After Swag got hurt, I spent the summer focusing on building my business, promoting the fabulous barn I’m fortunate enough to work from, and really just spending a lot of time helping my student and their horses progress. I always knew I’d get another horse. For months I looked at ads, went to the track, even vetted one that was by the same sire as Swag. But at the end of the day, there was always something not quite right and I found myself holding out for something more. Then one day, the ad for Bert popped up, and his crocked star, stripe and snip were the mirror image of Swag. There was no price on the ad, so my assumption was he was more than I could afford. But with a gut feeling, I made a call and spoke to his trainer at the track. The way she described him was so much like Swag I knew I had to have him. I bit the bullet and bought him sight unseen (at least not seen in person). He arrived about 2 weeks later and he was everything I’d hoped for. A lovely floaty mover, with springs in his legs, bold, brave, and confident, with the sweetest personality to match. And then Bert too, got hurt.

I’d say horse people are in general, superstitious. I for one swear by my lucky socks. I think it’s also in our nature to say things like; “things happen for a reason”, “it wasn’t meant to be” or “when one door closes another one opens”. So in light of the recent events, its only natural to have these thoughts pass through my head and it gets me to thinking what bigger, better, more exciting thing could there be next? Which brings me to my main point. I need help (that’s a loaded statement isn’t it!). Let me clarify, I need help to acquire my “next” horse.

I have an idea in motion to acquire a horse, but what I need now is a person/people who would be willing to help me finance this venture. I don’t necessarily need someone to cover the everyday/monthly expenses, it’s the purchase price I need help with. Asking for help is an uncomfortable feeling, but I’m swallowing my pride and am putting it out there, because if you don’t ask, the answer will always be no. The specifics aren’t something I want to discuss publicly at the moment, so if anyone wants more info on what I’m thinking or what is potentially involved, please don’t hesitate to send me a message and I’ll fill you in. Asking me about it is in no way a commitment (it never hurts to ask!) any help, no matter how small is still genuinely appreciated. In the meantime I’m continuing to teach and bake (bake sale at the next jump clinic?!?) and will keep pushing forward as I always do.

For more info, you can email me: megkfinn@gmail.com

Focus and Fear

I've started to write this post several times but keep getting side tracked, unclear about where my focus really is. So, I'm trying again in hopes that it may help me define that next step, help me focus which path I'm on, even if that path isn't well defined.

My last post was very much about loss and grief. It has been just over a week since I lost Bert, and Swag left for his new home. It has been just over one week since I became "horse-less". The outpouring of support I have received from family, friends, clients, and the horse community has been overwhelming. Thank you doesn't seem adequate enough to express how grateful I am. I've received some of the most beautifully written cards and knowing that I am not alone has helped me keep my sanity. It truly has been invaluable.

One of the amazing cards I received. Created by Rachel Rinaldi

My mom will tell you, I'm a do-er. It's hard for me to sit still and relax. My brain always seems to be thinking about "what's next". As a little kid I'd scream and cry and lock myself in the bathroom just to get out of taking a nap. Of course I'd eventually fall asleep in the bathroom, but I have never really gotten over that feeling of not wanting to stop and rest for fear I'd miss out on something. I have that same feeling now as I try to direct my energy on what is next for me horse-wise.

I missed all of last season when Swag was injured at the first event of the year. Instead of going to competitions, I put my efforts towards building my business and creating a barn full of wonderful students. As Swag rehabbed, I put my efforts into finding a new young Thoroughbred to bring up the levels and after months of searching, I found Bert. I planned it all out, giving Bert a couple of months out in the field to mentally decompress, and in January he came in for training. Everything was right on track for him to be ready for the 2019 show season. And then, as with most things horse related, the plan came to a screeching halt.

I'm left thinking about 2019 and am frantically trying to formulate a plan. Do I look for another horse as to not miss out on another year, or do I wait and save my pennies, and keep the attention focused on my students for another season?  I spent everything I had on Bert and Swag. I'm feeling panicky at the moment, afraid of sitting out another year as I'm not getting any younger. I'm scared of losing my nerve as a rider if I'm not out there actively competing, worried I'll no longer be relevant as a trainer if I'm not out amongst my peers. I'm trying not to let those fears control me. So while I'm trying to brainstorm and come up with some clever fundraising ideas (please send suggestions), I'm focusing on moving forward, putting my energy into the things I can control. Like coming up with new ways to challenge and inspire my students and rediscovering passions I'd forgotten I have (music) and incorporating them into my teaching.

I'm planning another jump clinic as well as another horsemanship class. There have been more barn outings and get togethers, there's been lots of baking, and just last week during a dressage lesson an idea for a musical freestyle was born. My students are all going to create their own miniature musical freestyles. They'll put them together over the next six weeks and then we'll have a little in-barn recital for them to show off their routines. The buzz in the barn is intoxicating and I'm excited to see what they'll come up with. All of these things help me focus, and while my path still isn't well defined, my goals are still the same. While I'd love to get another horse, focusing on the future helps to keep all of my fears at bay.

Fear is Not Rational or Irrational: 

Fear is Relative

Reflections

Swag and Bert

I'm not exactly sure what the stages of grief are, maybe they are different for all of us. I find myself sitting here thinking about so many different things. I'm still in a bit of a fog as I realize that for the first time in more than 4 years I'm horse-less. Something which has only ever occurred briefly once before in my 30 years as an equestrian. I'm sad, so I turn to the things that comfort me... Baking, writing, and teaching/riding. These are the things I know best.

Yesterday, my sweet, goofy boy, Bert, was put down. Bert was a coming 5yr old Thoroughbred. A beautiful soul with a bright future ahead. He had the biggest eyes, with an expression that was full of curiosity, confidence, and a touch of mischief. He was athletic, bold, and destined to do great things. He was my next up-and-comer, with big shoes to fill. And then he fell.

Bert was playing in his paddock. Not wound up, not running around, but he must have been feeling good and did what horses do, he bucked, or leapt, or something of that sort, and he fell on his knees. Our groom saw him getting up. He went to check him, saw the tiniest of scrapes, and brought him in for me to look at. I was teaching a lesson at the time, so Bert stood in the cross-ties while I finished up. I saw the smallest of scrapes, wiped them off, and put on a bit of ointment. Then I went to put him in his stall and knew it wasn't just a scrape. He was hurting.

There is nothing anyone could have done differently. Our fencing is safe, the horses turned out individually, Bert was attended to immediately. It was just one of those things that makes me shake my head and utter in despair, life just isn't fair. Bert had broken his knee.

Last year I was warming up my horse, Swag, at the first event of the year. We were just about to head out on the cross country course when I felt things go suddenly wrong. We later discovered, via MRI, that Swag had torn his collateral ligament. Those who've followed my career with Swag know how much I adore him. I've had him since he was just a gangly off the track 3yr old. I took him from his first BN to running around Prelim, and had our sights firmly set on the CCI* at Rebecca Farm last year. Then in the blink of an eye, those dream too, were dashed.

Swag has since healed, and while I've known that returning to eventing wasn't in his best interest long-term, I've spent the last few months looking for the perfect place for him to land. Swag is a unicorn. He is kind, smart, talented and joyful. He'd run around a prelim course one day, and teach a beginner the next, with me chasing him around the arena with a whip. Swag has traveled with me from California to Washington and he knows I am his person. I could have kept him and used him as a lesson horse, but ultimately I knew he would never be happy going in circles, he's an 8yr old TB, he loves getting out to explore. So last weekend, Valerie and Gary came to see him, looking for a horse to trail ride and love, and Swag put his head in their pockets and as silly as it sounds, Swag told me, these were his new people.

This morning, I sent Swag off to his new home, to be loved and adored, knowing deeply in my heart it is truly what is best for him. I'm sitting here, with tears streaming down my face looking at pictures of him in his new home, reading the text "Swag" has sent me, reflecting on all that has happened. Emotionally exhausting doesn't even begin to describe the past few days. I'm looking back, and am asking myself, what makes us chose this life as equestrians?

Several years ago I tried to "get out" of horses. Needless to say, it didn't last long, 2 weeks maybe? I remember being at the store and the cashier asking me what I did for a living, and I caught myself saying I was a horse-trainer, before remembering I had "quit" that job. It was in that moment I realized being a trainer was who I was, it was what I was, it defined me. My love of horses drives me. I am fascinated by them and how we interact with them, and even now, while the wounds are still raw (and the vet bills still very real), I'm thinking about how to fundraise for my next, future equine. I haven't given up my dreams of riding at the upper levels again one day. I am an equestrian after all, giving up isn't in my vocabulary.

At the beginning of this year I began a horsemanship class for my students. The idea was just to go over some basic, on the ground, horsemanship that we never seem to have time for in regular lessons. The first session was a success (standing wraps and polo wraps) and today was the second session we had scheduled. I thought it was fitting to go over basic vital signs and vet care, since our majestic creatures are so fragile. We then followed that up with some ground work and ground manner exercises. It is so fascinating to see how these two topics can relate. Having our horses trust and respect us on the ground can help us to help them when it most matters. What I took away from today wasn't necessarily in regards to the lessons, but a reflection of of the amazing people I am surrounded by. My students all watched intently today while I worked with a difficult horse for more than an hour. They asked questions, they watched, they learned. I have the most amazing barn, a group of ladies who support one another, who cheer each other on, who are all committed being the best horsewomen they can be. So when I find myself questioning why I do this, all I have to do is look around. They are why I do this.

When I walked into the barn today there were gifts, chocolates, wine, and thoughtfully written cards waiting for me. There have been so many calls, text, and my facebook filled with condolences. I am overwhelmed by the outpouring of love and support from friends near and far over the loss of my sweet Bert. It is in these challenges, and tragedies, that I find strength knowing I am surrounded by this amazing village.

Why have I chosen horses, or why have they chosen me? Maybe it's because I am strong, although I don't feel very strong today. Whatever the reasons, I take these moments to reflect, and then I put my head down, I dig in my heals, and think about what is next, because, as I teach my horses, the only option is forward.

My final moment with Bert